Brought to you by ROBERT--How Old Is Grandma?

How Old Is Grandma? 

 

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. 

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. 

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. 

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: 

' television 

' penicillin 

' polio shots 

' frozen foods 

' Xerox 

' contact lenses 

' Frisbees and 

' the pill

There were no:

' credit cards 

' laser beams or 

' ball-point pens 

Man had not yet invented: 

' pantyhose 

' air conditioners 

' dishwashers 

' clothes dryers 

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and 

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon 

 

Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. 

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir." 

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." 

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. 

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. 

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. 

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. 

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. 

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started. 

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -not purchasing condominiums. 

 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. 

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. 

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. 

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk. 

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. 

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. 

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. 

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. 

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. 

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? 

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. 

In my day: 

' "grass" was mowed, 

' "coke" was a cold drink, 

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and 

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. 

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' "chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.

' "software" wasn't even a word.

 

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. 

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. 

How old do you think I am? 

I bet you have this old lady in mind. You are in for a shock! 

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready????? 

This woman would be only 59 years old, Born in 1952.

GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT. 

PASS THIS ON TO THE OLD ONES. 

THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

A 

Brought to you by ROBERT-WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????

A drunk man, who smelled of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
And a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking
out of his coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

 After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

 The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, '  Then returned to his paper.

 The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

 The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

Brought to you by Robert--PISS POOR DEFINED

If you're young and hip, this is still interesting.

NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION

Us older people need to learn something new every day...

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting history.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...

if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to pee in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature

Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell,

brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. 

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals

(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings

Could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery

In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,

It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.

Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables

And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers

In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests

And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes,

so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status..

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around

and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; "holding a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had ben burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,

“saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring!!!

So get out there and educate someone! 

Share these facts with a friend.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

"What the heck happened?" 

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we'll be new friends.

Smile, it gives your face something to do!

Brought to You by Robert-Who Remembers these!!!

Have your sound on.....

 Here's one for you ... Burma Shave with the Statler Brothers.
You may need to watch it twice; once to watch the Burma shave signs change and once to catch all the pictures plus listening to the music of the Statler Brothers.
I am sending this to my "older friends" (because most folks under 50 would have no idea what they are singing about) and to my kids (so that they understand why we are the way we are). Too bad they missed it!




Click:   http://oldfortyfives.com/DYRT.htm <  

 Named after a brand of tissues, the four members of the Statler Brothers did not in fact share a fraternal bond; what they did share, however, was the distinction of being one of the most successful vocal harmony groups in the history of country music. Formed in the group's home base of Staunton, VA, in 1955, the Statlers were originally a church trio comprised of bass vocalist Harold Reid (born August 21, 1939), baritone Phil Balsley (August 8, 1939), and tenor Lew DeWitt (March 12, 1938). In 1960, Reid's younger brother Don (born June 5, 1945) signed on to take the lead vocal reins, and the quartet performed gospel music under the name the Kingsmen.


For more on The Statler Brothers go HERE.

PARAPROSDOKIAN

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

 

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.  

Ø  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.  ( I have to remember this one)

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.    

Ø   War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.  

   

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.

Ø   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. 

Ø  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.  

Ø   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.  

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". 

Ø   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.  

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?  

Ø   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.  

Ø   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.  

Ø   Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.  

   

Ø   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.  

   

Ø  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.  

   

Ø  I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.  

      

Ø   You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

Ø   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.  

   

Ø   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.  

      

Ø   A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.  

   

Ø  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

 

FRIDAY FUNNY # 1

Finally a computer setting I understand. 

HIPPOPOTAMUS AND THE TORTOISE

Much of life can never be explained but only witnessed 

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials said

The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean , then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

    "It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park, told AFP.

"After it was swept away and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately , it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added. "The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it followed its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.

 "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

 This is a real story that shows that our differences don't matter much when we need the comfort of another. We could all learn a lesson from these two creatures. "Look beyond the differences and find a way to walk the path together."

Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate !

Thanks to Robert! Never Lose Your Grandson!

This is so right on target. Little kids 

have no governor on what they say. 

When my son was about five, 

he answered the phone one night

 while I was in the shower. This 

is pretty much how the conversation went.

"Richards residence" 

Okay not bad, he had remembered what we taught him.

Pause

"She's in the shower" 

Okay too much information but ...

Pause

"He's in the shower" 

Okay way too much information

Bigger pause

"Yeah, they're in the shower together" 

OMG- who IS he talking to ?

Never found out WHO he was talking to as 

they didn't leave a name

 but for the next several months,

I constantly expected someone to comment

 on our showering routine.

Anyone out there got a story you wanta share

where your little darling spoke?

This reminds me of something the kindergarten teacher told us when they started school. 

"If you don't believe half the stories about how mean I am to your child,

 I won't believe or repeat any of the stories they tell me about you :)" 

The Haircut---Thanks to Robert

The Haircut 

One day a librarian went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen best sellers waiting
for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept
money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up,
there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting
for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when
he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot
accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up,
there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for
a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental
difference between the citizens of our country and
the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE
CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with
yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future and
neither is better government.

Brought To you by Robert--Harlequin Novel, Updated.... 2011 Version:

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were

alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.” Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my

calves, slowly but steadily.

My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was

pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A

man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now.  TSA has approved you to fly today."

Brought to you by Robert. This is so AWESOME!!

January had 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays & 5 Saturdays.   July will have the same and also October
.. -

This year we experienced and are going to experience four unusual dates: 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11;

that's not all ... take the last two digits of the year in which you were born; now add the age you will be this year, and the result will be 111 for everyone!

For example - I was born in 1955, and 55+ 56 = 111

My daughter was born in 1989, and 89 +22= 111

My granddaughter was born 2005, and 105 +6 =111

Go ahead try it you know you want to!

This is the year of Money!!!

This year October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays and 5 Saturdays.

This happens only every 823 years.

Brought to You by Robert—A Very Short Story

Man driving west on road. 

Woman driving east on same road. 

As they pass each other, 

Woman yells out window: "PIG!"

Man yells out window: "BITCH!"

Man rounds sharp curve 

And crashes into HUGE PIG in middle of road. Man dies.

Why don't men listen?

Brought to You by Robert--Giving Up Wine

   

I was walking  down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty  and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of  dollars for dinner.

 

I took out my wallet, got out ten  dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy  wine with it instead of dinner?'

 

'No, I had to stop  drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

 

'Will  you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I  asked.

 

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless  woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay  alive.'

 

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead  of food?' I asked..

 

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless  woman... I haven't had my hair done in 20  years!'

 

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the  money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my  husband and me tonight.'

 

The homeless woman was  shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing  that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty  disgusting.'

 

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for  him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up  shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

You're gonna send  it on - aren't you?

Brought to You by Robert-- Are you seriously old? I seem to be!

    

   Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'  

 'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.  

 'All the food was slow.' 

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'   

 'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained.  

 'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I  didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'  

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. 

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: 

 

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. 

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed,(slow). 

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.  

It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...  

 

I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.  

     

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was. 

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers  - my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.  

 

 If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.  Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? 

            MEMORIES from a friend: 

 My  Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew  immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. 

Man, I am  old.  

OK here is the fun part of the Q & A

Older Than Dirt Quiz: 

 Count all the ones that you remember,

        not the ones you were told about. 

 Ratings at the bottom.  

 

1. Candy  cigarettes

2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes  

3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles  

 4. Party lines on the telephone

5. Newsreels before the movie  

6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and  

were there until TV shows started again in the morning.

(there were only 3 channels  [if you were  fortunate])

7. Peashooters  

8. Howdy Doody 

9. 45 RPM records  

10. Hi-fi's

11. Metal ice trays with lever 

12. Blue  flashbulbs

13. Cork  popguns 

14. Studebakers

15. Wash tub wringers

OK! no one will be looking over your shoulder, how did you do???

If  you remembered 0-3 = You're still young

If  you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older 

If you remembered 7-10  = Don't tell  your age

If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!  

 

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!

Especially to all your really OLD friends....